I've erased down paragrphs of things I want to say but everything just sounds stupid. I'm not sure why I should even care if this sounds dumb, no one is reading this anyway. Maybe it's because I call myself a writer, when in reality my writing is a joke, just something that everyone skims over and tells me that they think is wonderful when they are only saying that so they don't upset a kid.
I have so many thoughts that I want to right down, but there are so many I'm not sure where to start. I think I just want to write about what goes on in my head because I can't say it outloud because I am not really sure how to describe it. All I know is that something is really wrong with me. The way that I think just isn't normal., atleast I don't think it is.
I am hypocritical and hateful. I push people away and then, when I'm all alone looking at pictures of people my age out having fun, wonder why no one likes me. I go on and on about how I hate people and how I hate everything about life and I wonder why no one likes to talk to me. I say I always want to be alone and then when I'm lonely I start to think too much and then I'm crying because I find so many things wrong with my mind. I am afraid to leave my house, but I'm also sick of always being here. I want to have friends, but I always find one thing wrong with that person and then I focus on that thing and hold it against them. I complain all the time that everyone around me is stupid, meanwhile I'm failing classes. I say I'm a writer, but I can never complete anything. There are so many other things, the list really goes on forever. I feel like my mind is a warzone. I'm tearing myself apart, slowly I am really going to drive myself to insanity, and the really scary part is, I think I might like it. Or maybe I don't. Sometimes I like to wallow in this depressive state for awhile, so my mind might change tomorrow morning.
There is no black-and-white with me, everything is gray. Everything must be expertly scrutinized down to the last most insignificant detail, and I always find somehthing wrong. I get so flustered with any imperfection so quickly that I just give up and call myself worthless.
I am terrified of the future. I just wish someone would tell me what to do, because I can never make a decision for myself.
I don't want to sound crazy or stupid. I am just alone and have a lot of things on my mind that I want to understand.
If anyone does read this, do you or anyone else think this way? Are all people hypocritical and unsure of themselves? Do other people constantly have a war raging on in their heads? Do you think something is wrong with me?
